Well, I Swear!

Actually, I don't swear.  At least not habitually and it's intentional.  I don't think I'm better than those who do cuss and I won't try to say I've never done it.  I just think there are better ways of expressing my anger or incredulity.  I don't think you're going to hell if you choose to swear.  I just think you're pretty lazy.

I grew up in a family that chose not to use profanity, so it was never an option in my formative years.  But, we were Auburn University fans and Auburn, like most colleges, uses some choice words in their cheers.  When I grew old enough to realize what those cheers were actually saying, I asked my mom about it.  She said something like, “Those kids go off to college and think they can start talking however they like.”  She said it with a “Tsk” and shake of her head.  I love Auburn, just don't see the point in wearing War D**n Eagle emblazoned across my chest.

When I was in 8th grade, my sister and I were both in the Golden Panther Marching Band at Lanett High School.  Each year there was one special half time show with more oomphh, more pizazz, more paraphernalia.  On this special night, my sister and I were rushing around trying to gather all the parts of our uniforms (gloves, hats, special shoes and socks), instruments, and frightening Halloween masks.  Our band was going to turn into a bunch of monsters at some point in the show, and throw down a rockin' version of Thriller.

But, we were having trouble getting out the door.  We were really late and my sister, band president and all around model high school senior, didn't do late.  We had already tried to leave the house a couple of times, always forgetting something vital. We thought we had finally made it and took off down our street in my sister's Maverick only for her to realize she had forgotten her dadblame mask.  She hurled her car into my Uncle George's driveway to turn around and in her very southern accent said, "Shit!”  I was shocked.  I seriously didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

I've been married 23 years and dated my wonderful husband for three years before our wedding.  We've made each other mad more times than I can count, but I can only remember once when that anger manifested itself in bad language, coming from me, I'm sorry to say.  It had something to do with stress,  a late night, and parallel parking a van.  It ended in laughter.  Apparently I can't pull off a good expletive.

So, it shouldn't surprise you that I, along with hordes of other Auburn fan moms down through the ages, taught my children the lyrics to the Auburn fight song "War Eagle" as follows:

War Eagle, fly down the field,
Ever to conquer, never to yield.
War Eagle, fearless and true.
Fight on you orange and blue.
Go! Go! Go!
On to vict'ry, strike up the band.
Hit 'em high, Hit 'em low
Stand up and yell, hey!
War Eagle, win for Auburn,
Power of Dixieland!

Only that's not how the fight song really goes.  Where I taught my kids "hit 'em high, hit 'em low" it actually says, "Give 'em hell!  Give 'em hell!"  Which, by the way, rhymes with "stand up and yell".  But, anywho....

My children recently visited the College Football Hall of Fame with my sister and her husband (he can swear with the best of them, but can't abide anyone saying the word "hate").  While there, my kids and sister participated in a “fight song karaoke.”  That's where my sheltered 16 year old boys learned the truth.  

We've tried to teach our children that they will encounter times of frustration and irritation; that they'll be tempted to swear up a blue streak.  But, we don't think they should.  We think they should use their imaginations a bit.  Just think how much more interesting the movie The Usual Suspects would have been if instead of cussing more than 70 times they had said things like:  

"Back when I was picking beans in Guatemala, we used to make fresh coffee, right off the trees I mean. That was good. This is gross but, hey, I'm in a police station.”  Or, they could have used the word atrocious, or abominable, or subpar, or unacceptable, or lousy.  Would the movie have suddenly become silly or would it not have been taken seriously?  I doubt it.

If they had used “stink” or “bull honky tonky” maybe.  I learned “bull honky tonky” from my cousin who grew up in Fort Worth.  He's a pastor now.  He claimed that expression for the state of Texas, but I lived there for 4 years and never heard anyone outside of my family use it.  It's really fun to say.  You should totally incorporate it into your vocabulary.

So, bottom line, if you're going to swear (which you shouldn't), you should think of those wordy durds like fouls in a basketball game:  You should make them count.

Brian Lamb, the founder of C-Span agrees.  He says, “I don't like swearing on the air. As a matter of fact, I'm not a prude, but... I watch HBO and some of the comedy stuff, and I'm constantly asking myself, 'Why have we gone there?' It seems like it's unfortunate. It's so cheap. It's so easy.”

The next time you feel some cheap and easy word about to fly out of your mouth, take a second and see what else you can come up with.  I bet you'll surprise yourself and come up with something G-rated that's even better.