How to Successfully Love Your Husband When He Feels Like a Failure

Maybe “failure” isn't much of an issue in your marriage. Maybe your husband breezes through life with a smile on his face. He was born under a lucky star. That's awesome. You've just saved yourself about 10 minutes! You don't have to read this! Congratulations! Go hug your husband!

However, if your husband sometimes struggles with feelings of failure or inferiority, then keep reading. You're not alone. Just so you know, I have permission from my sweet husband to share this stuff. You're not intruding on something private that I should have kept close to the vest. We're good.

Several years ago, Bobby owned and ran a store. It was a beautiful, wonderful store that actually helped people and Bobby loved working there. It was his dream come true. Long story short, it closed. Bobby describes that time as a period of mourning. Though he jumped right into looking for another job, it was hard and not much happened. He worked a couple of jobs where he was “under-employed”, but he didn't find a good fit until a friend (a dear, wonderful man who we will remain indebted to forever!) connected Bobby to another man who hired Bobby for a job that was 671 miles from our home in Alabama.

Bobby jumped on it. He loves his work, for which we're thankful even though it involves the adventure of occasionally moving across the country.

My husband works hard and provides abundantly for our family. I'm incredibly thankful. But, during the dark time when Bobby was still looking for a job, I wasn't. Though I had moments of loving him really well, I was often frustrated and angry. I could be snarky and impatient because of my fear. What if he never found another job he loved? What if he never found another job?

I could have loved him so much better.

I'm convinced every guy out there feels like a failure at some point. Maybe job issues aren't his concern. But, maybe he doesn't feel a strong connection to his children, or his relationship with his parents isn't the best. Maybe he doesn't read as much as he thinks he should, or doesn't make it to the gym 3 times a week. Whatever the issue, the result is the same: feelings of failure, of feeling “less than” he thinks he should be.

I have some ideas on how I can love my husband better during those hard times and I want to share them with you.

Believe, and help him believe, that this plan isn't only for him. God chose this path for you and your children too. My whole attitude changed when God reminded me of this. God's plan for your husband may be to walk through a disagreement with a co-worker, or to be told by the doctor that he has diabetes and MUST lose 50 lbs. God's plan for you is to be the helpmeet to the husband who has to walk through that.

No one suffers alone, but no one celebrates alone either. When you said “I do”, you made a commitment for better or worse, remember? This is just the “for worse” part. Believe that “for better” is right around the corner.

1993, All Young and Naive

Pray. This can't be overstated. It's imperative, vital that you pray for your husband. Pray fervently and often. Pray when you wake up and when you're making breakfast. Pray in the shower and when you're walking around the block. Pray at stop lights and before he comes home. Just pray and pray and pray.

In those prayers, make sure you're not just rehashing what's wrong. You CAN do that. God can handle it. But, thank God for what's going right too. List the things you love about that man. Tell God how thankful you are that out of all the men in all the world, God picked this one for you.

Show affection. Kiss your husband before he goes to work. Make it a really good smooch on the lips. Hug him when he gets home. Pinch his behind when he walks by you in the kitchen and hold his hand when you're watching TV. Knowing that you're attracted to him physically is a boon to a man's ego and self-worth, 2 things he desperately needs when he's in the pits.

Take care of yourself. Workout, read your Bible, use that face mask that's supposed to tighten the skin around your eyes or take an afternoon nap. Whatever you need to do to help get your game face on, so you're ready to love that man, do it. Did you hear me? I said, whatever you need to do, DO IT.

Keep the house reasonably tidy. You'll be able to think more clearly if things aren't falling down around your ears. For me, this means having fresh flowers on the kitchen table most of the time. I need to have clean clothes in the drawers and for the couches to be tidied up before bed. In my world, the rest of the house stuff is negotiable. I like making dinner from scratch and having a freshly mopped floor but, that doesn't always happen. We're talking Necessary stuff here, only what will make you stark raving mad if it goes undone.

Ever wonder why so many actors often “fall in love” while working together? They're ACTING like they're in love so they start to BELIEVE it's real. If you're having a hard time loving your husband, stop and think how Elizabeth would act with Mr. Darcy or how Bella would support Edward or what Snow would say to Charming. Then, DO it. ACT like you're in love. The feelings will come back as you practice.

True Loves' Kiss  (abc.go.com)

Okay, if you're not married, or a grown up, you might want to skip to the next paragraph. Sex helps! 50 million bonus points if you initiate. Have sex with your husband a lot. A LOT. Plan ahead to make it a great night. Do you need a nap, a bubble bath, to shave your legs, drink a glass of wine? Do it. This is almost as important as praying for your husband. His confidence and attitude and disposition will all be affected for the better. Yours will be too.

Realize that you're doing eternally important work. The job of loving your husband is huge. Loving your husband well when he's down is overwhelming. Know and embrace that this is a challenge. It's hard and time-consuming and exhausting. But, you can do it! God and your husband wouldn't have chosen YOU for this marriage if you couldn't.

“Keep a cheerful disposition, pray often, and love your husband more than anyone else on earth; you won’t need anything else.”

Feet of Clay by JJ Webb