Go put on your socks… and come straight back here

Our son, Davis, got married in May. I’m thrilled to finally have another girl in the family. Their wedding weekend was beautiful and sweet. The dinner on Friday night was small and joyful. George’s Steak Pit in Sheffield, AL was intimate and delicious. They were more helpful than we could have hoped. 

That’s the scene of the following toast. On Friday night our families and closest friends gathered to spend a little time together, eat delicious steaks and Hershey Bar pie, and toast the beautiful, happy couple. Here is my toast to the bride and groom…

Hey, everyone. Thank you so much for being here tonight. Bobby and I are grateful you’ve all made the time to celebrate with us this weekend. 

When I started thinking about making this toast, of course I thought about what advice or prayers for y’all that I should share. I could share the advice my sister gave me before marrying your dad - “Trade ballet for basketball.” Y’all could trade thrifting for golf or something like that. I could also share the advice you and your brother gave to Aunt Ree before she married Uncle Keith. They got married the summer after you finished 3rd grade. 

Allen’s advice was “Always keep a pizza in the freezer,” and yours was “Let Uncle Keith read the newspaper.”

All great marriage advice. But, what really came to mind was a story from when you were little. 

As I already mentioned, Davis has a twin brother, Allen. When they were little, on school mornings, I would give them both the same simple list:
“Go put on your socks, get your shoes, bring them back here, I’ll help you put them on, and grab your school bag—you’ll need to put your lunch in there.”

The boys would scamper off and I’d turn back to making lunches or cleaning up breakfast. 

A few minutes later, Allen would reappear—socks on, shoes in hand, school bag already slung over his shoulder, ready to go. And I would help him finish up.

But Davis…I often found Davis in the hallway. No socks. No shoes. No school bag. Usually reading a book or happily occupied with something far more interesting than socks. Then I would help Davis finish his list but I’ll be honest—I probably wasn’t always as patient as I should have been.

After this happened several times, I realized something important: I needed to do things differently with each of my boys. To Allen I could still rattle off the full list. With Davis, I learned to say, “Go put on your socks… and come straight back here.”

So when I learned Davis was going to propose to Kailee, I was happy and excited. Kailee, I have been praying for you since I found out I was expecting and we are so thankful you are part of our family.

But if I’m being honest, as I started thinking about marriage—this beautiful, lifelong commitment—I had a very real moment of concern.

I thought, “Oh no… Davis is going to get overwhelmed. He’s going to end up sitting in the hallway with no socks, no shoes, and no lunchbox.”

So tonight, Davis and Kailee, I want to offer you two simple pieces of marriage advice. Nothing complicated. Just things you can come back to, one step at a time. 

First—find the funny.

There is almost always something in a situation that is ridiculous enough to make you laugh.

For example, when we were living in Texas, Bobby came home and announced he had taken a new job. I was thrilled… until he added, “It’s in Norfolk, Nebraska. We’re moving to Nebraska.”

I said “Nebraska? I’ve never even wanted to visit Nebraska.”

And we laughed.

Nebraska turned out to be a wonderful season of our lives—full of good friends and good memories. In fact, it’s still a little funny that the place I never wanted to visit is where Allen has chosen to make his home.

Life has a way of doing that. So don’t miss the humor along the way. It will carry you farther than you think.

Second, but most importantly—the Bible has already given you everything you need to know about love.

In 1 Corinthians 13:4–8, it says:

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever!”

And, that is my prayer for you Babycakes, and for your marriage with Kailee. That you’ll both work really hard at being a good husband or wife, one thing at a time, and your love will last forever. 

To Davis and Kailee!

Reversing the Revolution, One Loaf at a Time

I had just gotten off the plane when I started telling my husband, Bobby, a story about the guy I sat beside on my flight. The stranger was gentlemanly and interesting and when we landed, he jumped into the aisle to wait his turn to disembark. As I struggled to free my large purse from its prison under the seat in front of me I said, “Would you mind grabbing my suitcase?” Bobby stopped me, mid sentence, and said, “I would have thought you could get your own suitcase.” 

“Of course, I can,” I answered, and went on with the description of my flight. Just because I didn’t get my suitcase down doesn’t mean I couldn’t have. 

That’s true of lots of things. Just because I didn’t doesn’t mean I couldn’t. 

When I was growing up, I didn’t think about my future much. That may be why I had no idea what I wanted to study when I got to college. I hadn’t dreamed about being a teacher or an accountant. All I had really wanted to be was an Olympic gymnast, or a Rockette, or one of the dancers in a musical on Broadway. But, I wasn’t brave enough to set out and do any of those things on my own. 

Farmer's Market Haul

So after several years in Betty Thomas’s Bible study at Auburn University, I realized that I really wanted to be a wife and mom. I wanted to stay home with my kids to be the one who raised them day in and day out. I wanted to hear their jokes and wipe their noses and tuck them into bed at night. 

Bobby and I were dating when I realized I felt called to being a homemaker. We were serious enough for me to confess it to him. He thought it was a little crazy and weird at first, that I would want to stay home to take care not only of our children, but also of him. But, soon he came to love the idea as I did and decided that he too wanted me to stay at home, full time, if we had kids in the future. 

That doesn’t mean that I didn’t finish my degree or that I didn’t use it or that I don’t value it now. Because I did and I do. And would encourage any young woman to get her degree as well. 

But, Bobby and I did get married and we did have two amazing little boys and I’m thankful I got to live the life of a full time wife and mom. It was a huge blessing that not everyone gets a taste of. I made home cooked meals most nights. I sewed some of our boys' clothes and mine. I learned how to grind wheat to make bread and used our crockpot to make yogurt. 

Ice Cream Sundae

Not every stay-at-home mom does that kind of thing. But, I liked the idea of being a bit more self-sufficient than the average family, of contributing something tangible to our home and sustenance. I was amused and a little puzzled when my cousin Ginny arrived at my home one day and observed my bread making set up. “You’ve single-handedly set the feminine revolution back 50 years Amy!” She didn’t seem too upset when I gave her a loaf for Christmas though. 

My kids would joke about a family who lived down the street in Fort Worth. “They buy their bread at the grocery store,” one of the boys said. “They buy EVERYTHING at the store,” the other responded. And they laughed. I knew I wanted our family to live a natural, healthy, home focused life. I had no idea the boys were noticing. 

I also homeschooled our kids for 6 years. I loved it. While my kids don’t always look on that time with fondness, I think it was great for all of us - for the boys’ education and for our life as a family. And, again, I’m thankful we got to live like that for a while. 

I didn’t know it at the time, but I was a “trad wife.” I probably still am in some ways. I didn’t always wear a dress and I was never good at gardening. But, I did and still do consider Bobby the head of our family and I’m attracted to the beauty of a simple, slower life, strong family relationships, and meaningful work. 

Even if I hadn’t been able to be home full time, I still think I would have gravitated toward a quiet, pleasant home life with a traditional family order and old-fashioned skills. I always thought making jam with the figs from the backyard was fun and I’m happy my kids know what a from scratch cinnamon roll tastes like. 

Salad with Shrimp and Nasturtium Blossoms

I was surprised and excited to see someone like Julia Stiles’ character in the movie Mona Lisa Smile. Katherine Watson is seen throughout the movie dating a boy from Yale, doing his homework even, as she attends college at Wellesley. She’s astute and attractive and assertive. She has potential. She could rule the world. 

At one point Julia Stiles and her teacher, played by Julia Roberts, have an intense, emotional conversation. Julia Roberts has discovered that Julia Stiles wants to get married and have a family, not pursue a degree in the law.

Katherine Watson (Julia Roberts) says, "Do you think you'll wake up one morning and regret not being a lawyer?" 

Joan Brandwyn (Julia Stiles) replies, "Not as much as I'd regret not having a family, not being there to raise them. I know exactly what I'm doing and it doesn't make me any less smart." 

And I agree. While I may not have climbed the corporate ladder or built a brand, I believe that my time spent at home with my children was as intellectually and emotionally challenging as time spent outside the home would have been. Maybe more so because I was keenly aware that I wasn’t simply doing a job, I was raising two people who would eventually become men who would lead their own families. 

One of our boys recently got married. During their reception, one of my daughter-in-law’s best friends gave a beautiful speech. She talked about growing up with Kailee and the hard times they had been through. Parts of her talk were funny and parts were sweet. But, at one point she talked about how much she had grown to love my son, Davis, and his relationship with Kailee. 

Homemade Bagel Sandwich

She looked at me and Bobby and said, “To Mr. and Mrs. Britton - you should be incredibly proud of the man you raised. You truly did an amazing job.” 

Now, I know that a wedding is not at all about the parents, but in that moment I felt so affirmed and noticed. I felt like my choice to stay home, the sacrifices Bobby and I made to make it happen, and the occasional derision and ridicule had been worth it. It worked. Just like logging flight hours to be a better pilot, all those hours I logged being a mom had paid off. 

Because I chose to take a hands-on approach to raising my family and caring for my husband doesn’t mean I’m weak or stupid. It means I’ve chosen to use my womanhood, intelligence, and gumption in a way that builds up my family. Even though I’m perfectly capable of opening the door or getting my suitcase out of the overhead compartment by myself, letting someone else do that sometimes is really nice. It preserves an orderliness to the world I find comforting. 

Trad Wives aren’t a bad thing. While I don’t think everyone needs to make the same choices I have, I think there has been great blessing to myself and our family because of them. Sometimes it looked like sacrifice, sometimes it looked (and felt) like drudgery. But, most of the time it was beautiful and sweet and meaningful. It definitely wasn’t glamorous and my resume now may be lacking because of that time at home. But, I know better.

The Romance of the Daily

I enjoy a good love story.  I relish and seek them out.  My friend, Heather, says she'll watch any movie as long as there's enough love to keep her interested.  I don't think Heather and I are alone.  I think women across the globe long for stories that make them sigh, stories that come back to us in our dreams.  

I've long wondered why I'm so drawn to romance.  A while ago I started wondering if there wasn't some spiritual implication in all this.  Guys are drawn to a quest or battle, a fight between right and wrong, good and evil.  Women are typically drawn to the love story.  So, I started looking around and here's what I found.

“Real life” totally gets in the way.  I have a wonderful, romantic husband.  He occasionally brings me flowers and makes grand gestures.  He regularly lays down his life for me and our kids and I know I'm spoiled and blessed beyond measure.  But, we live in a world where work is stressful and surgeries need to be recovered from and kids need our undivided attention.  We live where there's dust on the mantle and the silly “all natural” toilet cleaner doesn't keep the toilet clean for very long.  Intimacy doesn't always sound like a great idea and dinner out sometimes sounds like too much effort when we can order in and watch another episode of “Once Upon a Time” on Netflix.  

In an article on familylife.com called “5 Romantic Needs of a Woman,” Dennis Rainey says, “But creating adventurous romance requires planning and enthusiastic effort.”  I don't know about you, but my planning and enthusiasm muscles are sometimes the last things I want to exert.

I don't want to just pop in The Princess Bride or pick up Jane Eyre when the desire for romance comes along, but sometimes it's all I can manage.  In her article on christianitytoday.com, Caryn Rivadeneira says, “Any of us who enjoy reading fiction – of any stripe – do so in part for the entertaining escape.  Whether it's romance or mystery, literary novels or action-packed adventures, we love reading because we love getting lost into other people's lives, worlds, interests, and desires.  We can enjoy all the good of their world or crying at the hardship, all the while understanding that it is made up.”  She goes on to say that romance is lovely and that God even uses romance to describe His passion for us, His people, in the Bible.

“Entertaining escape.”  I want to tread lightly here. Escape just for the sake of escape may not be good or right.  But, everyone needs a breather now and again.  When Allen and Davis were tiny babies and we still needed help as often as we could get it, I felt a bit, um, overwhelmed.  I was a clueless though passionate mom to those twins.  I was unprepared for what life would be like with two babies and felt like I was sinking in a pit of diapers and burp cloths and tiny socks.  I nursed and nursed and slept, then started nursing again.  Part of what got me through that time was a series of books called The Mark of the Lion by Francine Rivers.  What I remember about the books is that a girl named Hadasseh lived this brave, romantic, beautiful life.  She was a Jewish woman who remained true to God even after being sold into slavery, taken to Rome from her home, and thrown into the coliseum to be eaten by lions.  

I read these books aloud to tiny baby Allen and Davis while I nursed them.  At one point in the book, blood-thirsty crowds start chanting, “Jugular, jugular!”  Oblivious, I kept right on reading until my sister stuck her head in my room and asked what was going on.  I think she gently suggested different reading material for her nephews' first introduction to fiction.  It was just so much easier to read about Hadasseh's inspirational life than to go out and live my own.

But, it's not just an escape I long for.  It's an unmet need for things to be better.  To look out at the world and actually see the good.  I long for those “ahhh” moments, the moments that make you want to weep with the beauty and perfection of the romance.  Those moments like when Buttercup realizes the Dread Pirate Roberts is her long lost Wesley, like when someone proposes by having a banner flown behind an airplane over a football game, like the picture I saw online of a Marine holding hands with his beautiful, emotional bride, hidden around the corner of a wall, praying just before their wedding.

It seems I should be able to transfer this joy and comfort in the love stories of Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy or Buttercup and Wesley to joy and comfort in the living God.  God's love is perfect and holy and sacrificial and all things good.  Though I've read Song of Solomon, I can’t seem to regularly think of God's love for me as romantic.  I've spent so much of my life thinking of God as my Father and Savior and Friend.  How do you make that transfer to knowing God loves us with a romantic love as well?  Should I even be trying?  Because, so far, I haven't been successful.

In the first chapter of Song of Solomon alone, the man compares his love to a horse and her eyes to doves.  They speak of the bed they share and what his head smells like as he lays it on her chest.  That's all just in the first chapter!  But, the most romantic picture of all is Christ, coming to the dreadful earth from the paradise of Heaven and giving Himself, literally dying, for the one He loves, the one who is worth it all.  

I've heard the symbolism of living the Christian life being like a grand adventure, an epic battle and a romance of the ages.  I want to live like Stephen Curtis Chapman's “The Great Adventure” and saddle up my horse every morning, knowing I have “a trail to blaze.”  I want to leap out of bed wondering what God has for me.  I want to be like Jean, an Assyrian refugee we once knew.  A fellow missionary said, “I like hanging around Jean, exciting stuff happens because he loves God so much.”  

I'm sure Jean worked on his relationship with God.  Maybe his relationship with Jesus was marked by “planning and enthusiastic effort”.  Maybe Jean wouldn't have thought of this as romance, but maybe he didn't need that imagery.  But what about women?  Do we NEED that?  Does the thought of “falling in love with Jesus” spur us on to being better Christians?  

There's a song by Jason Gray called “More Like Falling in Love.”  Part of it goes like this:

I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives moves and breathes

To sweep me off my feet, it's gotta be

More like falling in love than something to believe in
More like losing my heart than giving my allegiance

Caught up, called out come take a look at me now
It's like I'm falling, oh it's like I'm falling in love

It's a good song and I like it a lot.  I think it sums up my feelings on this whole romance thing.  I want to feel like I'm falling in love.  I don't just want a set of principles to live by.  

But,...

Hardee's Biscuits, yumm

I fell in love with my husband over frozen yogurt and the Shakespeare theater, Hardee’s biscuits on Saturday mornings and water skiing, watching from my screen door hardly able to wait to see his blue car pulling up in my driveway and holding hands walking into the free movies at Auburn.  Now, 23 years into marriage, I'm still crazy about him, he still makes me laugh like no one else and I'm still happy to see him pull into the driveway.  

But, it's different than it used to be.  I may not thrill when he touches my hand like I used to, but now I'm known by him.  He senses my moods and my thoughts.  He cares for me and protects me.  The heart-pounding and the barely contained excitement may have tempered, but the love, deep and abiding, is still there.  It's still beautiful and strong, but it's really different.  I'm not falling in love, I have already fallen.  I'm in.

So, while I love a good romance and it reminds me of where I've been, it also reminds me of what's to come.       

Again, in Madeira’s christianitytoday.com article she says, “It is the ideal of being forgiven and love conquering all that appealed to me.  And while my brain knows this isn't always true, my heart wishes it were.  The good news is that my soul knows it will.  Not in a book.  Not in this life.  But one day.”

One day!  One day all the pieces will fit, this will all make sense and we'll love it!  We don't know the time, but one day Jesus will come back and call those who know Him, who've given their lives over to Him.  We'll be with Him in His Father's mansion, better even than the Beast's mansion in Beauty and the Beast or living in Biltmore in North Carolina.    

Of course, I don't want to be locked up whiling away the hours doing nothing but reading Jane Austen and watching “Wives and Daughters.”  I want to live the romance.  I want to appreciate what I have and enjoy the here and now.  I want to see the beauty and feel the love around me.  I want to dwell there, in the romance of the daily.  

So, go ahead and cry when Jerry Maguire says, “You complete me.”  Go ahead and sigh when Kate Bosworth tells Topher Grace how many smiles he has in “Win a Date with Tad Hamilton.”  But, don't forget that it's just a poor picture of what will really happen when Jesus comes back in the clouds, when He speaks your name, when we finally get the happily ever after we’ve been longing for.

How to Successfully Love Your Husband When He Feels Like a Failure

Maybe “failure” isn't much of an issue in your marriage. Maybe your husband breezes through life with a smile on his face. He was born under a lucky star. That's awesome. You've just saved yourself about 10 minutes! You don't have to read this! Congratulations! Go hug your husband!

However, if your husband sometimes struggles with feelings of failure or inferiority, then keep reading. You're not alone. Just so you know, I have permission from my sweet husband to share this stuff. You're not intruding on something private that I should have kept close to the vest. We're good.

Several years ago, Bobby owned and ran a store. It was a beautiful, wonderful store that actually helped people and Bobby loved working there. It was his dream come true. Long story short, it closed. Bobby describes that time as a period of mourning. Though he jumped right into looking for another job, it was hard and not much happened. He worked a couple of jobs where he was “under-employed”, but he didn't find a good fit until a friend (a dear, wonderful man who we will remain indebted to forever!) connected Bobby to another man who hired Bobby for a job that was 671 miles from our home in Alabama.

Bobby jumped on it. He loves his work, for which we're thankful even though it involves the adventure of occasionally moving across the country.

My husband works hard and provides abundantly for our family. I'm incredibly thankful. But, during the dark time when Bobby was still looking for a job, I wasn't. Though I had moments of loving him really well, I was often frustrated and angry. I could be snarky and impatient because of my fear. What if he never found another job he loved? What if he never found another job?

I could have loved him so much better.

I'm convinced every guy out there feels like a failure at some point. Maybe job issues aren't his concern. But, maybe he doesn't feel a strong connection to his children, or his relationship with his parents isn't the best. Maybe he doesn't read as much as he thinks he should, or doesn't make it to the gym 3 times a week. Whatever the issue, the result is the same: feelings of failure, of feeling “less than” he thinks he should be.

I have some ideas on how I can love my husband better during those hard times and I want to share them with you.

Believe, and help him believe, that this plan isn't only for him. God chose this path for you and your children too. My whole attitude changed when God reminded me of this. God's plan for your husband may be to walk through a disagreement with a co-worker, or to be told by the doctor that he has diabetes and MUST lose 50 lbs. God's plan for you is to be the helpmeet to the husband who has to walk through that.

No one suffers alone, but no one celebrates alone either. When you said “I do”, you made a commitment for better or worse, remember? This is just the “for worse” part. Believe that “for better” is right around the corner.

1993, All Young and Naive

Pray. This can't be overstated. It's imperative, vital that you pray for your husband. Pray fervently and often. Pray when you wake up and when you're making breakfast. Pray in the shower and when you're walking around the block. Pray at stop lights and before he comes home. Just pray and pray and pray.

In those prayers, make sure you're not just rehashing what's wrong. You CAN do that. God can handle it. But, thank God for what's going right too. List the things you love about that man. Tell God how thankful you are that out of all the men in all the world, God picked this one for you.

Show affection. Kiss your husband before he goes to work. Make it a really good smooch on the lips. Hug him when he gets home. Pinch his behind when he walks by you in the kitchen and hold his hand when you're watching TV. Knowing that you're attracted to him physically is a boon to a man's ego and self-worth, 2 things he desperately needs when he's in the pits.

Take care of yourself. Workout, read your Bible, use that face mask that's supposed to tighten the skin around your eyes or take an afternoon nap. Whatever you need to do to help get your game face on, so you're ready to love that man, do it. Did you hear me? I said, whatever you need to do, DO IT.

Keep the house reasonably tidy. You'll be able to think more clearly if things aren't falling down around your ears. For me, this means having fresh flowers on the kitchen table most of the time. I need to have clean clothes in the drawers and for the couches to be tidied up before bed. In my world, the rest of the house stuff is negotiable. I like making dinner from scratch and having a freshly mopped floor but, that doesn't always happen. We're talking Necessary stuff here, only what will make you stark raving mad if it goes undone.

Ever wonder why so many actors often “fall in love” while working together? They're ACTING like they're in love so they start to BELIEVE it's real. If you're having a hard time loving your husband, stop and think how Elizabeth would act with Mr. Darcy or how Bella would support Edward or what Snow would say to Charming. Then, DO it. ACT like you're in love. The feelings will come back as you practice.

True Loves' Kiss  (abc.go.com)

Okay, if you're not married, or a grown up, you might want to skip to the next paragraph. Sex helps! 50 million bonus points if you initiate. Have sex with your husband a lot. A LOT. Plan ahead to make it a great night. Do you need a nap, a bubble bath, to shave your legs, drink a glass of wine? Do it. This is almost as important as praying for your husband. His confidence and attitude and disposition will all be affected for the better. Yours will be too.

Realize that you're doing eternally important work. The job of loving your husband is huge. Loving your husband well when he's down is overwhelming. Know and embrace that this is a challenge. It's hard and time-consuming and exhausting. But, you can do it! God and your husband wouldn't have chosen YOU for this marriage if you couldn't.

“Keep a cheerful disposition, pray often, and love your husband more than anyone else on earth; you won’t need anything else.”

Feet of Clay by JJ Webb